My cute friend Jenn (the one next to me in the white) had a birthday.  So we had a party.  It was a great night.  Love you Jenn!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my beautiful, amazing, wonderful best friend Amber!  Friday afternoon Jessi (another best friend) and I kidnapped her and took her to lunch to celebrate the wonderfulness that she is.  We spent hours catching up on life because there is never enough time to do that.  

And of course we ended the day with cake!  Thank you for being born Amber!  I'm so glad I got to celebrate with you!

A letter to yourself: tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.
This one has been more difficult than I thought it would be.  It's taken me a lot of thought to decide what should go into this letter. But here it is.
Dear Me,
I love pretty much everything about you.  Sure, you have flaws but you're human and that's part of life.  No one is perfect!  I love your smile and your laugh and I love that you use them a lot!  I love that you are a strong, smart, independent woman.  I love that you've taken this last year and changed it from a miserable experience into an opportunity to learn and grow.  I love that you are happy and healthy and full of life.  I love that no matter what is going on around you, you find a way to have fun and always enjoy life.  I love that you have so much love in your heart and you find the good in everyone.  Most of all I love that I am you!
Love, Sue

Something you hope to change about yourself & why.
Well this is a little strange but here it goes.
I hope I can learn to love Christmas again.
Christmas used to be my FAVORITE time of year.  My tree was up on Thanksgiving day.  My presents were bought before November ended.  My cards were mailed by December first.  I spent hours upon hours decorating my house.  Every room had something special in it.  I took days to wrap my presents and sang along to all my favorite Christmas songs while I did so.  But this year... every time I attempt to do anything remotely related to Christmas it reminds me of last year.  When I thought everything was happy and perfect.  Except it wasn't.  I just didn't know it.  And now Christmas makes me think of all the heartbreak and betrayal that I went though.  I know it's not Christmas's fault but it still reminds me all the same.  I hope that maybe next year, or in years to come, I can learn to love Christmas again. 

What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
This is an easy one.  I may not be "grown-up" but I never really plan to be.  But I am 24 years old, and old enough to maybe handle life.  
If I was pregnant I would have a baby.
It would be hard because children are hard but that's just part of life.  

What's the best thing going for you right now?
This is actually a hard one, not because I can't think of something but because there's more than one wonderful thing in my life right now.  But I would have to say
The best thing going for me right now is all my possibilities for the future.
I have everything to look forward to with my whole life in front of me.  There is always hope for the great things to come.

Craft day was a success!  My cousins and I spent 6 hours cutting pictures out of magazines to make our own envelopes and cards.  It was so much fun and the results were pretty awesome.  They're called "envies" because they are the envy of all other envelopes. What do you think?

{day 26}

Have you ever thought about giving up on life?  If so, when and why?
Well the short and easy answer is 
Yes.
But I don't want to talk about it.  I'm happy now.

The reason you believe you're still alive today.
Well the stupid answer is because I haven't died yet.  But really,
I believe I'm still alive because people still need me.
I haven't done everything I'm supposed to in my life.  I don't believe that everyone has a pre-determined time that they're going to die though.  Your choices and your actions lead up to it all.  

Make a playlist to someone and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter.)
This is a playlist for someone I love.
When You're Gone by Avril Lavigne
Don't Let Me Fall by B.o.B
You and I by Secondhand Serenade
What You Are by Jewel
Truly, Madly, Deeply by Savage Garden
I'm Yours by Jason Mraz
Fall To Pieces by Avril Lavigne
Halo by Beyonce
Come Home Soon by SHeDAISY
Firework by Katy Perry
Hot by Avril Lavigne
Obsession by Sky Ferreira
OMG by Usher
Your Love Is My Drug by Ke$ha
No Explanation. 

Something you wish you had done in your life.
This one is funny.  I'm only 24.  I still have plenty of time to do the things I wish to do.  So I'm going to say one I still wish to do in my life.
I wish I could see Vegas for New Years!
And this year I just might.

Something you wish you hadn't done in your life.
Well there's always regrets, no matter who you are.  But hopefully you learn from your mistakes and know that life goes on.  It's hard for me to really wish that there was something I hadn't done because everything I've done has made me into the person I am now.  I suppose if I had to choose something...
I wish I was more cautious with my heart.
When I was young I fell in and out of love too easily.  But I've definitely learned that lesson.  I'm older.  I'm wiser.  Now if I say I LOVE YOU I feel it deep in my heart.

(scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before.  What do you do?
This one is totally stupid.  If she really is your best friend then 
Of course you go to her (or him)!
And I'm pretty positive everyone I know would answer the exact same way.  I am lucky enough to have SEVERAL people I consider to be my best friend and if ANY ONE of them was hurt I would be there without a second thought in my head.  My friends are EVERYTHING to me.  

Your views on drugs & alcohol.
Honestly?
It's a personal choice.
And the only other thing I'm going to say is I agree with Dani 100% about pregnant women and substance abuse.  They're the ones that I have a hard time with.  It's one thing to damage your own body.  It's completely another to destroy the life of your unborn child.

What do you think of religion?  Or what do you think of politics?
I have opinions on both of them... 
Politics are a necessary evil.
All I can do is hope that mixed in with the bad apples a few good ones come out to play. 
Religion is a personal comfort.
EVERYONE believes in SOMETHING.  Even if it's nothing.  For me personally, all I have to do is take a look around me at this world we live in.  All the beauty and the wonder... how can there NOT be a higher power?  How could all of this POSSIBLY exist without some sort of divine intervention?  I believe in miracles.  They happen every day.  It's a small miracle in itself that my mom met my dad and they fell in love and had me.  I mean really, what are the chances?  And then they had five more just so I didn't have to be alone in this world.  It's kind of amazing really.  Without the HOPE for something better I would not have made it through this year.  I have been through more than I could possibly have imagined and I've come out fighting harder than I ever knew I could.  I didn't do it alone though.  
Without HOPE, without FAITH, we have NOTHING.

Your views on gay marriage.
I hesitate to write anything about this one because of what a controversial subject it is.  I know that most people who read my blog will not agree with me.  If you don't, that's okay.  But please be respectful.  That's all I ask.
I believe that people who are gay should be allowed to marry the person they love, no matter who they are.
Marriage should always be about love and you can't choose who you love.  

A book you've read that changed your views on something.
The book is easy.  It's in my top five all time favorites.
13 Reasons Why by Jay Asher.
But now for the explanation... It's not so much that this book changed my views.  It's that the book reminded me of how we affect people every day and we never even realize it.  This book is beautiful and heartbreaking.  It will make you consider the way you act everyday and how your actions affect the people around you.  I will recommend this book to anyone, no matter what type of books you enjoy.  It will not disappoint. 

Someone or something you definitely could live without.
This one is easy.
I could absolutely live without mind games.
No matter what the truth, I will always prefer to hear it to a lie.  Don't try and mess with my mind.  I do not like it.

Something or someone you couldn't live without, because you've tried living without it.  
I don't like this one because I don't like "couldn't."  I prefer "wouldn't want to."  My mom used to tell me never say you can't live without someone because when you have to you'll learn the hard way.  But these are some things I wouldn't want to live without.
Chocolate.
iPhone.
Chapstick.
Family.
TV on DVD.
Eggrolls.
Dr. Pepper.
Friends.
High Heels.
Kissing.
Those are just a few that come to mind!

A hero that has let you down (write a letter).


I don't have one.  I really don't.  
So instead I want to write a letter to a hero that is STILL A HERO!
Dear Shelly Ann Harman,
You may be my little sister but I have always LOOKED UP to you.  You are SMART, FUNNY, SWEET and BEAUTIFUL.  No matter the time or day you are ALWAYS there for me.  You are my BEST FRIEND and my SECRET KEEPER!  I know that if I ever have a problem that is TOO BIG for me to handle myself you are there without even a thought.  When I am down you PICK ME UP.  When I am happy you LAUGH WITH ME.  You share my HAPPINESS and my SORROW and you always remind me HOW WONDERFUL LIFE IS.  You are a wonderful example to everyone around you of how to be a HAPPY, AMAZING WOMAN.  I LOVE YOU more than I could EVER tell you.  You are MY HERO.  
Love, Sue

 A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough days (write a letter).
Dear Avril Lavigne,
Everyone knows I adore you.  I've loved your music since the first time I heard it. I was 16 years old and your lyrics spoke to me.  You sing passionate, beautiful songs.  Some are mellow, some are sad, some are happy and some are crazy.  It doesn't matter what they are, I love them ALL!  I can laugh, I can cry, I can sing, I can dance, all to your music.  
Thank you for writing music that I LOVE!
Love Sue
This is perhaps my favorite song and music video of all time.  Take a look.  I don't think you'll be disappointed.  
When You're Gone

Something you never get compliments on.
Okay, I'm just not sure what to put here.  Obviously there are things I don't get compliments on.  But they're probably not things I should get compliments on.  The first thing that came to mind made me laugh out loud and is probably inappropriate to write on my blog.  So now I have to think of another one.  It will probably sound a little weird but here it is.
I don't really get compliments on how smart I am.
That probably sounds conceited.  I don't care.  I am a lot smarter than I think people give me credit for.  I have a great memory and I learn things easily and quickly.  I love being in school because I love learning new things and expanding my knowledge.  I also have a pretty deep understanding of people and how they work.  I am proud of how quick my mind is and I just wanted to share that.  I am a smart girl. 

Something people seem to compliment you the most on. 
Three things.  
My EYES, my SMILE (or more accurately) my DIMPLES, and my LAUGH.
I do like my eyes.  They change color.  Sometimes they're green, sometimes they're hazel, sometimes they're grey, and sometimes they're blue.  It really depends on the day, my mood and what I wear.  
I supposed my dimples are pretty great too.  When I was younger I thought everyone had them because everyone in my family does and I never really noticed that other people don't.  Then I started hearing from people how great they were and I realized that they're special.  So I love them.
My laugh I've never really understood.  But apparently it's infectious because when I laugh, I mean really LAUGH, people around me can't help but join in.  
So there you are, those are some of the good things about me!

Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn't know.
I'm happy to say I don't have one of these.  Like I said in a previous post...
I now know better than to let people treat me badly.

Someone you didn't want to let go, but just drifted.
There are lots of people who fit into this category.  I don't really want to start listing them.  
It's enough to say old friends, from high school, college, and life in general.
It's just the way life goes.  I love all my friends, both past and present.  And I'm pretty good at keeping in touch with people.  But no one is perfect!  I am grateful for facebook and blogs and the online world in general because it allows me to keep in touch with people who I would otherwise have lost by now.  People always move in and out of your life and I am grateful for everyone who has been a part of mine.

Someone who made your life horrible, or treated you like crap.
Alright, I can't believe I'm about to share this.  We all know that now I am a strong, smart, self-aware woman but I haven't always been this way.  The one I'm going to share doesn't get a name.  
He's a guy I used to date and we'll leave it at that.
He broke me down, both mentally and physically and I was honestly terrified of him.  It was one of the worst times in my life.  My mom doesn't know this but she's the one who saved me from that relationship.  It took me a long time to get up the courage to break it off with him.  When I finally did I was stalked, threatened and taunted by him.  It was horrible.  But there's one good thing that came out of it.  I have NEVER let a person treat me like that since then and I NEVER will.  I have self-esteem now that didn't exist before.  I've learned how to deal with people who treat me badly.  And I've learned that I'm worth a lot more than how he made me feel.  

Someone who has made your life worth living for.
I'm having a hard time with this one.  It's not that other people aren't worth it.  But I've learned the hard way when your life revolves around something and it's taken away... well your life should still be worth living.
So now I live for myself.
That probably sounds incredibly selfish but that's not how I mean it.  I have been through so much and there's a lot I've learned.  And one of those many things is I've learned how to be happy, secure & comfortable in my own skin.  Definitely my family is worth being here for.  But if you depend on others for your happiness you're never going to be truly happy.  You have to find it inside you and let it grow from there.  And that's why as much as I love you all I think the life most worth living for is mine.


PS Happy Thanksgiving!  I am thankful for all my friends and family, now more than ever.  I love you.

Something you hope you never have to do.
The one I always had nightmares about happened this year.  But here's another one.
I hope I never have to lose a close family member.
And I don't think I need to explain this one.

Something you hope to do in your life.
Obviously there's too many to list, but here's a few.
Write a book.
Graduate from college.
Go skydiving.
Run a marathon.
Learn to salsa.
Compose my own music.
Visit all 50 states.
Photograph the world.
And always remember:
Live every moment.
Laugh every day.
Love all the time.

Something you have to forgive someone for.
This one will be obvious.  I'll say it anyway.
I'm learning to forgive my ex husband.
He broke my heart.  He destroyed my world.  My life was one way.  Then literally out of nowhere it was the exact opposite.  This is the first and probably the last time I'll write about him on here.  It's still hard to talk about.  I don't know if I'll ever really be able to let it go.  But I'm moving on with my life and I'm happier now than I ever knew I could be.  Little by little I'm learning to forgive.


PS I just want you all to know something.  This is a deeply personal matter for me and this is why I'm not sharing any details on my blog that can be read by anyone in the world.  That being said, if you would like to know the details please do ask me.  I honestly don't mind talking about it and I know that human nature is curious.  I love you all.

Something you have to forgive yourself for.
This one is hard to be honest about.  And it's even harder to be honest about with someone besides myself.  But here it is.
I have to forgive myself for not being who everyone else wants me to be.
As I've grown up I've come to realize that I am not going to make everyone happy.  Other people want me to act a certain way.  They want me to do things differently.  Live my life differently.  Be a different person.  It sometimes gives me the feeling that I'm a bad person or that I'm not good enough.  I'm learning to accept that I AM good enough.  I am a good person.  I love and I care and I am doing the BEST that I can.  I am going to mess up, make mistakes & learn a lot of things the hard way.  But that doesn't mean I'm a bad person.  Other people can love me or hate me.  There's nothing I can do about that.  I am doing the best that I know how.  I am learning every day.  Sometimes I'm going to disappoint people.  I'm not always going to live up to other's expectations.  But if I live up to MY expectations I think I'm doing a pretty good job.

Something you love about yourself.
This is the part where you're supposed to brag.  I'm happy to say I actually have quite a few things I love about myself.  The one I'm going to share might seem a little strange but I'll explain.
I love that I know how to be happy.
Yes, I know, to some people being happy isn't that difficult.  But I've battled with depression since I was a young teenager and I've been through hell this year.  Sometimes I smile & I think to myself it's kind of amazing that I still know how to be happy.  I truly enjoy my life, I'm learning to love the little things, and I appreciate every day for what it is.  I'm good at being happy.

Something you hate about yourself.

There are probably a few I could list.  Everyone has things they don't like about themselves.  But I think the one I'm going to share is this.  

I wish that I was better at letting the little things go.  

The funny thing is though, I'm pretty good at faking it.  If you truly make me mad I can usually put on my happy face and you'll never know the difference.  But inside it burns.  I want to learn to let it go when someone hurts me and remember that USUALLY people aren't setting out to be destructive.  Most people usually mean well.  When people do stupid things that hurt it's rarely on purpose.  So I need to learn to let it go.

{30 days}

My friend Dani posted this on her blog and told me I should do it too.  Am I brave enough?  Let's hope so. Maybe you should try it too.

"30 Days of Truth"

Day 1: Something you hate about yourself.
Day 2: Something you love about yourself.
Day 3: Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 4: Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 5: Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 6: Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 7: Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 8: Someone who made your life horrible, or treated you like crap.
Day 9: Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10: Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11: Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12: Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13: A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough days. (write a letter.)
Day 14: A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15: Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16: Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17: A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18: Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19: What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20: Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21: (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22: Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23: Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24: Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25: The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26: Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27: What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28: What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29: Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30: A letter to yourself: tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

Cori.

Let me set the stage for you.

Sue, Shelly, Morgan, Lindsay, Cori & Jessi are all in the car driving home from Harry Potter at 4:30 in the morning.

We're giddy from the movie.

We're happy to be together.

We're silly little girls.

We start talking about the sexiest men alive.

We're all throwing out names.

Johnny Depp.

Channing Tatum.

Chace Crawford.

Then out of Cori's mouth:

Justin Beiber.

I don't remember the last time I laughed that hard.

I love this girl.

I have a favorite quote that has really put my life into perspective this year.  To say it's been a hard year would be an understatement.  I have been kicked, beaten, pushed around, fallen down, and somehow I've gotten back up.  Through it all I've just kept going.  I didn't know I had that kind of strength.

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have."

I haven't stopped blogging.  But my thoughts lately have been deeply personal and as much as I love my blog there are a lot of things I won't write on it.  They've been about boys, mostly one in particular, and it is literally a daily roller coaster of emotions.  It's not an easy thing to go through.  But I am surviving.  


On a semi-related note.  I moved back to Utah indefinitely.  Everyone keeps asking me what I'm doing now and what my plans are.  I.  Do.  Not.  Know.  It's actually kind of liberating.  I'm just taking it one day at a time and figuring life out as I go along.  There are a lot of decisions I'll have to make in the next month and I'm not particularly excited about many of them so I'm taking it slow and doing it my way.  


Since I've been home I'm sang, danced, laughed, hugged, spent time with old friends, made lots of new friends and truly enjoyed my life. 

Pictures say more than words.  This was my Halloween.  Enjoy.

Zombie Prom:

Heather Bug

 Miranda & Heather

 Heather, Sue, Miranda

Love My Girls

 Amberdawn & Sue

 Amberdawn & Anami

Pumpkin Time:

 Miranda, Sue, Heather

LCL Party:

 Donut Eaters

 Pam & Sue!

 Sue & Anya

 Anke & Sue

Shannon & Sue

I missed all my Utah friends but Washington was pretty great!

Absolutely IN LOVE.

I can't even pick a favorite song.  That's how good it is.

Yesterday I played a little game with my siblings and some of my close friends.  I sent them this in a text:


"If a canoe crash landed in your backyard and all the wheels came off how many snow cones would it take to build a doghouse?"


These were the answers I got back:


"What??"
"1,234"
"Twelve"
"Uh, that's a really difficult question"
"I have no idea"
"Yes to both"'
"Haha I have no clue :)"
"The color 12"
 "Red ;)"

I know, I'm a little crazy.

I read 4 books today.  Yes, that's a little excessive, even for me!  But I was very much in the mood to read and I was devouring them too quickly to help myself.  

{13 to Life}

{Raised by Wolves}

{White Cat}

{If I Stay}

4 books to help me pass the day.  

I didn't really like 13 to Life.  It was the first of a series and had a lot of potential but I felt like the entire book should have just been the intro chapters to a much longer book instead of something that stands alone.  I understand that in a series you should leave the readers wanting more but there were so many unanswered questions that instead of being excited for the next book I was disgusted that I'd wasted my time.

Raised by Wolves was better.  Yes, it's about werewolves and yes, I like (some) books like that.  It was well written and actually had a good plot.  Yay for a good dark fantasy book instead of a terrible one like most.

White Cat was fantastic.  Holly Black wrote it and if you've ever read her well I don't think I have to say anything else.  It was a great book, great plot, great story and best of all it's the first in a series so I now get to look forward to even more Holly Black dark magic wonderfulness.

If I Stay took me by surprise.  On the cover it says "Will appeal to fans of Twilight" which immediately made me wary.  The last thing this world needs is another poorly written vampire novel.  (Hear that world?  Stop writing them!!!)  But it had nothing of vampires in it and the reviews were really good so I sucked it up and dove right in.  What a fantastic story of life, love, loss & music.  I actually cried TWICE while I was reading and I honestly do not remember the last time a book made me cry.  The first time tears came to my eyes I was surprised because I hadn't been expecting them.  The second time I just blinked through them and kept on reading.  I truly didn't know how the book was going to end and either way it could have gone I was ready for it.  So in short... Wonderful book.  Don't read it around other people because I don't cry ever but it got to me.

PS I do not get why it should be in any way linked to Twilight.  It is better.  It is believable and evokes real emotions.  Do not be stopped from reading it because someone put a stupid quote on the front of the book.

This year I'm making a time capsule.  It's been a hellish year.  But that doesn't mean it all has to be bad memories.  In 10 years when I open it I'll get to look through the things that meant something to me in 2010.  So far I have...

{plenty of pictures}
{my journal}

{a recipe for my current favorite food}

{a favorite book of the last year}  

{a movie that meant something in particular to me} 

{a few cd's with music that really affected me this year}

 

I'll be adding more things to the time capsule because it won't be sealed until New Years Eve.

What would you put in yours?

"This is my perfect nightmare so when will I wake up and scream?"

Two little treasures for you.

Summer babies.

And love.

This week has been overwhelming. I've experienced a very wide range of emotions that I don't think I've ever been equipped to deal with... that most people aren't equipped to deal with. If I started to list everything that was this week I wouldn't be able to get through it without crying. And I hate crying. So instead I'm going to take a moment to say thank you.

Thank you to all of my friends and family who have been here to support me through this past year. I wouldn't have made it through by myself and every one of you to some degree or another has been here to help me through everything life has given me.

Thank you to the men and women who 9 years ago today handled the tragedy that has forever left it's mark on us. I will never forget.

And thank you to the men and women who continue to fight for us today. 9 years. And it's not over. Our soldiers are still fighting.

Thank you. Just thank you.

I've had some complicated thoughts lately. I think it started because all summer I've thought to myself "This time last summer my life was so different." And then one day not very long ago I realized that wasn't true. This time last summer was when everything changed. What a scary thought that was for me. It's been a year. Of course at the time I didn't see it changing but hindsight is 20/20 and I can see it very clearly now.

I'm afraid to sleep. When I'm awake I can control what I think about. The horrible things in my past can be pushed to the back of my brain. When I'm asleep I lose any degree of control I tricked myself into thinking I had during the day. All the feelings of hopelessness, of fear, of anger, of betrayal and of never being good enough come out in my dreams. Sleep is utterly terrifying to me.

Someone in my dreams asked me this: If you could see the consequences of your actions clearly would you make different choices? If I knew that three years down the road my husband would shatter my heart would I have gotten married? Dreams are terrifying. Often times they ask me the things I don't have the courage to think when I'm awake.

The way my life has changed so drastically has given me one more thing to contemplate. If the last 5 years of my life have been this... what will the next 5 years bring me? Some days I'm afraid to find the answer.

Today while driving in the car:

Sue: What do you want to listen to?
Trevor: Britney Spears (laughs jokingly).
Sue: Okay.

Next thing you know Britney is blasting over the car speakers. Moral of the story? Be careful what you ask for!

(PS This post is compliments of my beautiful new iPhone 4!)

My sweet little brother Joe married Miss Rachel and made her into a Mrs. How cute is that? I flew down from Washington and spent 5 crazy days in Utah. We threw a bachelorette party, had a delicious luncheon and a beautiful wedding. And now I get a new sister, we are all so lucky!

PS I bet you can't guess which pasty white legs are mine...