Complicated.

I've had some complicated thoughts lately. I think it started because all summer I've thought to myself "This time last summer my life was so different." And then one day not very long ago I realized that wasn't true. This time last summer was when everything changed. What a scary thought that was for me. It's been a year. Of course at the time I didn't see it changing but hindsight is 20/20 and I can see it very clearly now.

I'm afraid to sleep. When I'm awake I can control what I think about. The horrible things in my past can be pushed to the back of my brain. When I'm asleep I lose any degree of control I tricked myself into thinking I had during the day. All the feelings of hopelessness, of fear, of anger, of betrayal and of never being good enough come out in my dreams. Sleep is utterly terrifying to me.

Someone in my dreams asked me this: If you could see the consequences of your actions clearly would you make different choices? If I knew that three years down the road my husband would shatter my heart would I have gotten married? Dreams are terrifying. Often times they ask me the things I don't have the courage to think when I'm awake.

The way my life has changed so drastically has given me one more thing to contemplate. If the last 5 years of my life have been this... what will the next 5 years bring me? Some days I'm afraid to find the answer.