On Being a Mother

It's hard. Harder than anything I've done before in my life. Being a mother. At first you're so sleep deprived that you don't really notice when your wants and needs have ceased to matter. That tiny person in your arms does not know anything but themselves. Now that Everly is getting bigger she's starting to know a little more. But she still doesn't understand that sometimes mom just needs a break. She doesn't know that when she cries I don't always know the reason behind the cry. She is not crying to manipulate me. She's crying because she doesn't know how else to communicate. It's hard to always remember that.

Jess and Ashley both wrote great posts about what the first few weeks are like with a baby. They're HARD. There's no way around that. And remembering those weeks (or months) is what keeps me from even thinking about the possibility of another child. Maybe in a few years when the memories are no longer fresh I'll be able to consider it. For now this is enough for me. Maybe even for always, and that's okay.

But nights like tonight... They're reminiscent of those first two months. The ones where I wasn't getting any sleep and the baby needed me constantly. My sweet girl has been sick all night. I've been barfed on more times than I care to count and even though I just did laundry I already have a huge pile to get through today. I've changed sheets three times. I've bathed her twice. I've rocked and held her gently all night long. But that was the good part. The rocking and the holding. She's become such an independent lady that I try to cherish these moments where she lets me hold her tight, even if she's snuggling for comfort from the sickness she's feeling. She's so tired that she fell asleep sitting upright in my arms as soon as I'd put fresh pajamas on her.

My sweet, sweet baby. I will always hold you when you're sick. I will always comfort you when you need me, and even when you don't. I will always try to be the mama you deserve. I will fall short, but I will never stop trying. I love you with my whole heart.

xo Sue