The Moment I Knew

It started with an ear infection. It bothered me so badly that I had to visit the doctor for it. If you know me at all you know I avoid doctors unless absolutely necessary. It was bad. My husband had to work so I dropped him off that day and took the car to my appointment. The doctor said I needed antibiotics. Usually this would be no big thing. I took the prescription, picked it up at the pharmacy, and started to drive home.

Then it happened. A little voice in my head saying I shouldn't take the medication. The smarter, logical side of my brain said why not? There was no reason. My ear was aching so badly! The little voice said again, I shouldn't take it. All of the sudden everything started to fall into line in my head and I ran to a place of denial. It had been almost 6 weeks since my last period. Even on birth control my body was usually inconsistent, but 6 weeks was a lot. I turned the car around to get a pregnancy test, the whole way telling myself it was a waste of money and I didn't need to bother. It was silly to think I could possibly be pregnant right now. Still, that little voice had spoken, and like every woman who suddenly realizes her body isn't doing what it's supposed to, I needed confirmation.

I took the pregnancy test home and forced myself to use it. Then I laughed out loud at how paranoid I was being. And almost immediately threw up. But that wasn't a big deal, I'd had the flu for a few days... I thought. And almost on queue my breasts throbbed with an ache I usually only had during my period. But it was worse than normal. I shook off all the symptoms staring me straight in the eye. I was being silly. In a few minutes that test was going to come up negative and I would have a funny story for my husband when I picked him up that night.

I left the test in the bathroom and cleaned the house. I played with my puppy, I had a snack, and then I remembered the pregnancy test. I wasn't worried anymore. I knew I was making a big deal over nothing. But I refused to take my medication until I knew for sure it was safe. I'm very cautious when it comes to my body. So I went into the bathroom to throw away my negative test. I picked it up and glanced at the results. Then I stared.

I had trouble breathing.
I felt tears spilling down my cheeks and didn't bother to wipe them away.
I felt a small smile form on my lips.
I felt terrified and exhilarated.
It said positive.
It said I was pregnant.

And in that moment, my entire world changed.

xo Sue