A Dirty Word: Divorce.

I always thought of divorce as a dirty word. 

Actually, I still do. 

It seems so angry, so painful, so final. The end of it all. And lets be honest here friends, how many of you think to yourself, "I'm going to get married now. This will be fun. In a few years when I'm done with him we'll just get a divorce." I'm pretty sure none of you think that way. No one gets married with the plans to only be together for a few years. And yet it happens so frequently... Statistics put the divorce rate in America anywhere from 40-50%. Is that not scary? 
It made me never want to get married.
Again.


Yes, I said again.
As in this is not the first time I've been married.
And yes, I'm only 25.


I've never blogged about my divorce. I've never shared it on Facebook. I didn't go to counseling (although I probably should have and maybe still should). I didn't get any sort of medical help. I've barely even talked to my family and friends about it. To be honest, I'm not really sure why I kept it all so close to myself. Except I hate to share the story. It makes me sound like a stupid little girl. And maybe that's what I was but I don't like thinking of myself that way. 


Here are the basics. We were married. Happily, I thought. I knew something was bothering him for about a week and every time I tried to talk to him about it he would shut down completely. So I just tried harder. And then he came home after work and said, "I don't want to be married anymore. This is too hard." And he walked out the door. Three days later he had divorce papers drawn up and in my hands before I'd even figured out what was going on. I asked him to go to counseling with me. I asked him to talk to me about it. I asked him to try and work things out. But it quickly became apparent that he had made up his mind long before he'd let me know. As I look through my 20/20 hindsight glasses I can see the little signs that he was unhappy and that something was wrong but he was kind of a grumpy/moody person and at the time I didn't pick up on the differences.


The roller coaster of feelings I went through in the following months/years are impossible to describe accurately. I felt shocked, heartbroken, devastated, and completely empty. I felt worthless. And I felt so betrayed. We'd had a life together, a future planned, and then he'd just walked away like none of it mattered at all. I did not (and still fully do not) understand how he could just walk away from our marriage. We'd stood up in front of everyone we knew and promised to be together forever. Forever didn't last as long as I thought it would. I've spent countless hours asking myself what went wrong. What did I do wrong. What could I have done differently. Why did that happen. I never imagined I'd be the girl who got divorced. It was so sad and broken and that was not me. 


Then one day (several months down the road) I woke up and for a minute, it didn't hurt. I never did figure out the answer to my questions but slowly, slowly I put myself back together. I changed my expectations of myself and of my life. I gave myself new goals. I gave myself new things to live for. I found new excitement in my life. I found joy in unexpected places. I made a lot of new friends and strengthened my friendships with old friends. I was reminded through every action that my family is the most amazing family a girl could ask for. I went through something I felt was impossible and came out the other side stronger and better than ever. 


My divorce was horrible and miserable and I would never wish that on anyone. But I can honestly say I would not be the person I am today without that trial in my life. And I like who I've become. I also wouldn't be married to the wonderful man I now call my husband. I learned so much about what I wanted in my life and in my future companion and Aaron exceeds all expectations. He is a wonderful man and even though he had to do a lot of work convincing me that not all men were evil spawns he says it was worth it.


Through the anger, the pain, the hurt, and the struggle I came out the other end fighting for my happiness. And I learned the true meaning of the quote, 
"You never know how strong you are 
until being strong is the only choice you have."