Amazing photos taken by my sister Cori.

I've been struggling with my changing body through this pregnancy.

These photos were exactly what I needed.

I'm obsessed.

xo Sue

I want to tell you a story.

When I was pregnant with Everly it was the most intense experience of my life. I had HG throughout the pregnancy and struggled daily with the smallest tasks. I lost 40 lbs and worried every second that I was going to fail at my job of protecting my precious baby until she was ready to come earth side. I broke down more than once with cries that I couldn’t do it and I didn’t know how to get through. It was painful and heartbreaking but as always I looked for the silver lining in my life. I am a girl who loves her silver linings.

Even though I was confined to the couch for most of my pregnancy it meant one thing: I could stare at my belly for hours and watch her little kicks. About halfway through my pregnancy and watching my little lady wiggle I started to track her across my belly and I realized that she was breech. It wasn’t anything to be concerned with so early but as the weeks passed us by she stayed put. I started to feel nervous about her position because we were living in Japan on a small military base with a very small hospital as our only option for a birth place. This hospital wouldn’t facilitate a breech birth and we weren’t allowed a home birth because of far too many rules and regulations. A forced cesarean birth was quickly becoming my only option.

From the day, even the moment that I found out I was pregnant I dreamed of my beautiful birth to come. I knew instinctually that a medicated birth was not for us and I was preparing myself for an unmedicated vaginal birth. The news from my care providers that I wouldn’t be “allowed” to have what I wanted was devastating. I tried everything I could think of to coerce my baby into turning head down. Every position, every trick, everything I could find. Nothing worked. Throughout my pregnancy, especially the last few months, I spent time each day meditating with my daughter. I told her my hopes, my dreams, my wishes. I told her how excited I was for labor and how much I looked forward to holding her in my arms. I connected deeply to her. I told her how much I love her. And I told her she HAD to flip over.

During our 37th week my husband and I decided that we were going to have a version scheduled to see if the doctors could help manipulate our daughter into the correct position. It’s a painful procedure for women which can cause fetal distress and sometimes even trigger labor. I knew the risks but I wasn’t willing to give up and schedule a cesarean unless I’d exhausted every possibility.

I have never felt so completely powerless.

The day before the procedure (38 weeks along) I gave up. I gave in to the powerless feeling I’d been drowning in and completely and totally gave up. I cried and cried and cried. And then I had a meditation with my daughter. I connected on our spiritual level and I told her that the next morning we were going to have our last ditch attempt at getting her into the correct position for birth. And then I told her what she needed to hear.

I told my unborn child that it was completely up to her. If she wanted to be born through a cesarean birth I would happily do it for her. I would stop fighting and embrace the birth for the beauty it would offer and the child it would bring me. And if she wanted to have the natural birth experience we’d been preparing for together then she needed to flip over and tell me she was ready. I gave up any illusion of control over the situation and I surrendered.

That night was incredibly painful. She wiggled and kicked and moved more than she ever had before. The next morning I knew. I KNEW she had turned over. It didn’t take an ultrasound or a doctor informing me. I felt her body position inside me and I knew. We went to our scheduled appointment and I told them she’d turned in the night. They didn’t trust my word for it but their ultrasound machine proved me right. She had turned and we were ready.

This experience prepared me for motherhood in a way nothing else could. It showed me that I would not be able to control most of the things that came my way but if I surrendered to the beauty of my life I would be able to enjoy and cherish it always.

Three weeks (to the day) after our daughter turned head down she joined us earth side. Her birth was beautiful, the experience was remarkable, and it gave me so much confidence in myself and my daughter. But our meditation and my surrender to her and our future was where our bond was truly forged. When she was placed in my arms by my amazing husband I looked deep into her eyes and said “I know you. My sweet Everly, I know you.”

xo Sue

When I was pregnant the idea of breastfeeding was SO strange to me. The world tells me that my breasts are sexual objects and they should stay that way. Intentional or not, that's the message that young girls receive. Still, I knew all the amazing benefits that accompany breastfeeding, how good it is for your baby, and the cost comparison pretty much had me sold. I knew that I was going to attempt to form a breastfeeding relationship with my daughter. 

We were lucky. She had a great latch even in the beginning and although it took weeks for my nipples to become desensitized and callused enough to nurse without pain, Everly did amazing. As I watched my body nourish my baby I was in awe. What an amazing gift that women have to be able to feed their children with their bodies. Everly was even nursed once by a good friend when I couldn't be there to do it for her. Everly continued to grow and soon I had a fat little baby that loved her mama milk and nursing. 

At about 6 months I started to get that question. You know the one, "When are you going to stop breastfeeding her?" It bothered me. Why were people expecting me to stop feeding my child? Why did they think this beautiful relationship needed to end? I was committed to making it past 12 months. One full year of mama milk. But I was also committed to breastfeeding my daughter as long as she thought we should. That became my answer. When she tells me she's ready to stop. I don't care if you breast or bottle feed your baby. I don't care if you use a cover when breastfeeding or if you do it out in the open. I do care that you feed your child and I trust each mother out there to make the best decision for herself and her baby. I do care that mom and baby are both comfortable when baby is eating. I do care that women's rights aren't violated (which happens far too often).

The reason I like to share pictures occasionally... well there are a few reasons. The first is, my breasts are not sexual objects. They were MADE to feed Everly. That is literally their purpose. They were made for her and I am proud that I'm able to use them that way. I also share pictures so other women know that it's okay to be a little more open about breastfeeding. It's a perfectly natural, normal thing. Every time I breastfeed in public I get a few strange looks. That doesn't stop me. I will always put my daughters needs first and if she needs to eat I feed her. I share pictures because I'm proud of us. Really, I'm proud of Everly. She does all the hard work and she grows beautifully because of it. But mostly I share pictures because breastfeeding is amazing. 

I treasure my breastfeeding relationship with Everly. It has been nothing but magical. I've had some aches, some pains, some sleepless nights because my sick baby only wanted to breastfeed. There are times I realize life would be so much easier if she wasn't quite so dependent on me. And yet we've found a way to always make it work. We've found a way to keep going. I hope she wants to breastfeed for many months to come but I also know that when she decides she's done it will be okay. It will be gone before I'm ready and I know I'll miss it when she's finished. Until then I'm going to soak up every lovely moment of this part of our lives. 

xo Sue

PS. Read more thoughts on breast & bottle feeding babies.

Last week Everly and I went to Louisiana for my friend Taylor's wedding. I was a bridesmaid and E was a flower girl (and seriously the cutest flower girl there's ever been). We went down a few days early to help Taylor with all the wedding prep and it's a good thing too- there was so much to do! But because we're awesome we were able to pull it all together and the wedding was beautiful. To say that E enjoyed herself would be an understatement. She walked down the isle carrying a rock, not because that's what she was given to carry but because that's what she wanted to carry. It was adorable. She also ate sausage and cheese from Wisconsin (Taylor's home state), lots of pretzels dipped in chocolate, and a brat that was far too big to finish. It was such a fun week! 

While I was there I had an experience that's been on my mind the last few days. One afternoon Taylor and I took a break from the wedding prep and sat at the kitchen table together. I scooped up Everly and started breastfeeding her and Taylor picked up her little boy Brantley and started bottle feeding him. We rocked our babies and talked about whatever we were doing at the time and fed our babies. As we were doing this I realized how awesome it is. We both get to feed and nurture our babies and it didn't matter that we weren't doing it the same way. We were both doing it with love for our children.

There's very much a mom-war out there between breastfeeders and bottle feeders. Not ALL of them of course, but definitely more than there should be. People have their own reasons for how they feed their child. I'm not going to explain Taylor's reasons for bottle feeding Brantley because 1. they're no one's business and 2. I shouldn't have to. She's caring for her son by giving him food. Isn't it wonderful that she can do that even when she doesn't have breastmilk to give? And I get the question often now: When are you going to wean her? My answer? Before she goes to college. It's a stupid answer for a stupid question. I don't have a date that I'm going to wean. It's not something I'm thinking about right now and I'm sure Everly will let me know when she's ready to do it. She doesn't breastfeed as often as she did when she wasn't eating solids but she still does it 3-4 times a day and I'm fine with that. In fact I love it. Like Taylor, I'm feeding my baby in the best way that works for us.  

I really loved that I could be with my sweet friend and we could love and care for our babies together. It was really cool when I thought about it. If you breastfeed or bottle feed or mix-n-match it know this: you're doing the best you know how. And you're a good mom.

xo Sue

Mothers and fathers are not born, they're made. 

I've never understood this until I watched my husband over the last year. Aaron was so excited to be a dad. He was amazing during the pregnancy and birth and cried the most beautiful tears when Everly was born. While she was tiny he loved to snuggle her and naps together were their favorites. But he had a hard time when she fussed. And let me tell you, she was a fussy baby. She wanted to be held all.the.time. and it was hard on us. Around seven each night she'd start to cry (or scream) and do that for a few hours. Months two through four were hard on us all. I struggled and Aaron struggled. There were nights we didn't think we'd get through. I'm sure that I've grown stronger and better in the last year but I don't notice the changes in myself. I can tell you for certain though, my husband has become the father that Everly needs and deserves. He is amazing with her. Her crying used to frustrate him and stress him out (both of us, really). Now he responds to her cries. He hears her fuss and figures out the source. When she's having a hard time falling asleep he takes her in his arms, rocks her back and forth, and sings sweet lullabies to her. A year ago he couldn't do that. He hadn't learned about her yet. Now he's a source of comfort to her. Everly loves her daddy. She loves to play with him and could spend hours doing so. I could spend hours just watching the two of them. He said to me yesterday "I really like the person Everly has made me in to." I really like this person too. He's amazing.

Aaron has grown so much over the past year as a father and it has made my love for him so much deeper. To watch him with our daughter is to truly know love.

xo Sue

There were a lot of hard things that came out of 2013. Really, a lot. But if you know me at all you know I'd rather focus on the positive. And if that's what we're doing then this, my friends, has been the best year of my life. It's the year Everly joined us and there is nothing that can ever compare to that. She is a gift for my soul. There are some nights I cannot sleep because I lie there looking at her and wondering what I possibly did to deserve her and how I can ever be good enough for her. There are other nights that I fall blissfully into sleep next to her, the sounds of her breathing lulling me to sleep. No matter the stage we're at or the other problems we're going through, Everly has a way of making me see stars. She is my joy, my light, my heart.

xo Sue

It's hard. Harder than anything I've done before in my life. Being a mother. At first you're so sleep deprived that you don't really notice when your wants and needs have ceased to matter. That tiny person in your arms does not know anything but themselves. Now that Everly is getting bigger she's starting to know a little more. But she still doesn't understand that sometimes mom just needs a break. She doesn't know that when she cries I don't always know the reason behind the cry. She is not crying to manipulate me. She's crying because she doesn't know how else to communicate. It's hard to always remember that.

Jess and Ashley both wrote great posts about what the first few weeks are like with a baby. They're HARD. There's no way around that. And remembering those weeks (or months) is what keeps me from even thinking about the possibility of another child. Maybe in a few years when the memories are no longer fresh I'll be able to consider it. For now this is enough for me. Maybe even for always, and that's okay.

But nights like tonight... They're reminiscent of those first two months. The ones where I wasn't getting any sleep and the baby needed me constantly. My sweet girl has been sick all night. I've been barfed on more times than I care to count and even though I just did laundry I already have a huge pile to get through today. I've changed sheets three times. I've bathed her twice. I've rocked and held her gently all night long. But that was the good part. The rocking and the holding. She's become such an independent lady that I try to cherish these moments where she lets me hold her tight, even if she's snuggling for comfort from the sickness she's feeling. She's so tired that she fell asleep sitting upright in my arms as soon as I'd put fresh pajamas on her.

My sweet, sweet baby. I will always hold you when you're sick. I will always comfort you when you need me, and even when you don't. I will always try to be the mama you deserve. I will fall short, but I will never stop trying. I love you with my whole heart.

xo Sue

I was going to write something else today. Now I'm going to write this instead. Sometimes I have an "ah-hah!" moment in this parenting thing. Sometimes I step back from what I think is the right thing and I listen to what Everly is trying to tell me. She's always teaching me new things about how to be her mom. There's this funny trend that babies have of completely surprising you and it feels like as soon as you establish any sort of routine they decide to switch it up on you. This has especially been the case with Ever and her sleep lately. I finally got the nap thing figured out (2 a day, whenever the heck she feels like it!) and the bedtime down (sometime between 7 and 9) because we're really particular around here... Or not. But we had a rough outline of a schedule. I would nurse my little lady about an hour before bed. Then we would go cuddle up in bed when she was ready to sleep and nurse again while I rocked her and she fell asleep. It was sweet and simple and one of my favorite times of day. I always looked forward to bedtime if for no other reason than I got to rock her without her fighting to get up and play, or eat dog food. Then about a week ago bedtime suddenly became the most traumatizing time of both our days. Not just night, but naps too. It was awful and I started to dread it all. She was crabby when she was awake and she was angry when I'd try to put her to sleep. She is such an independent little lady that it was becoming impossible for me to try and do things the way we have been. So for the last several days I've been looking for a new way to do things. I tried everything I felt comfortable with (I do not believe in CIO- I'm glad it works for some moms but it isn't for me) and nothing was working. She cried, I cried, she cried more, I cried more. We both were exhausted and grumpy. I had to have a pretty deep therapy session with my amazing sister just to get through it all. Sometimes I'm so grateful that we're doing this mom thing together, but that's a post for a different day. The point is, I tried it all and nothing was working. 

Today I started to really soul search for an answer and think deeply about my sweet baby. I thought about when she was in the womb and so stubborn that she wouldn't flip out of breech position until it was absolutely necessary. I thought about how she's always decided when and where she would sleep. I thought about how she chose when she was ready for solid food and started feeding herself straight from my plate because she wanted to. I thought about how she started walking at 8 stinking months because she'd decided she was a grown up girl and was going to do what she wanted. And after a long nurse/cuddle I decided to just follow her lead tonight. She wanted to play a little bit so we sat on the bed and played. She wanted to trade off sucking her paci with me (gross but whatever) so we did. She wanted to lay next to me, but not on me, so we lay there in a very calm and content way. She wanted to play with my hair and hold my hand while she drifted off to sleep. So we did. It was beautiful and magical and exactly what I needed after so much fighting this last week. I don't know if we've figured out her issue with sleep. She's too independent for my mama heart, but I'm going to try hard to let her lead the way. I'm going to listen harder when she's trying to tell me something. And I'm going to let her teach me every single day how to be the best mom to her. Together I think we can do this.

xo Sue

Ask yourself this. What's your least favorite thing about yourself? Now lets change that. Lets change the way we see ourselves. When we look in the mirror lets not see the thin tired mouth, the dark circles under our eyes, or the fly-aways sticking out of our hair. Lets instead see the smile on the lips, the brightness of the eyes, or the curls (or straightness) of the pretty hair we have. Lets take the negatives and make them positives.

I have this idea for people to share their stories. Everyone has a story, right? I know I do. And maybe it's not the most fascinating story that's ever been told, but it's my story. And that matters. We all want to share our stories, to be heard. We talk about ourselves, every one of us. Especially bloggers! We write entire pages on the internet dedicated to ourselves. We like to share our stories because we want to be heard. We want to know that the things we value are important and we are not alone.

Lets start now, and make it a 2014 personal intention. Lets talk about body image and self love. Lets talk about the things that are good and the things that are bad. Lets talk about the beauty of motherhood- and how damn hard it is. No one told me it would be this hard. No one told me it would be this wonderful. Lets talk about the beauty and the hardships of just being a woman. Lets talk about it. 

Lets talk about the fact that while I was pregnant I had more than one person accuse me of having an eating disorder and hurting my baby. I didn't. I had a very dangerous and scary disease called Hyperemesis Gravidarum that caused me to be hospitalized three separate times, triggered pre-term labor, and made me so sick I couldn't move for days. I cried myself to sleep repeatedly because I was terrified that something bad was going to happen to Everly because of this disease my body was fighting.

Lets talk about the fact that childbirth was the most painful, beautiful, intense, emotional, difficult, spiritual, amazing thing I've ever experienced. And when it was over the realness of life began. I had the most perfect daughter who depended on me entirely. She loved me and I loved her from the moment she was born and that love has only intensified with every passing day.

Lets talk about the fact that daily I question my abilities as a mother. I often look at Everly and think to myself that I am not worthy of her. She is superior in every way. She is smart and curious and beautiful and I will fight for her every single day of my life just so she can know happiness. My life is better with Everly in it. I am so lucky she is mine. She teaches and tests me every single day.

Lets talk about the fact that because of my HG I didn't gain any weight during pregnancy, but in fact lost 20 pounds. But now that I'm healthy again my stomach has gone down but it's not where I want it to be. My stomach is my least favorite part of my body. I do crunches, sit-ups, and other exercises and still my stomach is not flat. WHY? I'm learning to accept it, to love it even. I love my stomach. I carried my daughter there for 9 months and even without weight gain it stretched out and changed. And that's okay.

Lets talk about the fact that I love my face. I know, that sounded pretty vain right there, but part of this experience is talking about the good things too. It's okay to say that I love my face. It's not perfect, but it's mine and I really think it's a good one. I like the imperfections too. I honestly do.

This is a small part of my story. I want to share more. I will share more when the time is right. I'm starting this now, The Discover Yourself Project. If you want to share your story I would LOVE to hear it. You can send any and all submissions to thediscoveryourselfproject@gmail.com or if you'd like to share your story anonymously just go to this form and tell me all about yourself and your life.

xo Sue

As of right now, stories sent to us will be shared through As It Seems and The Discover Yourself Project. If we start to get a lot of stories (and hopefully we will!) they'll mostly be shared through The Discover Yourself Project. Please take a few minutes to visit us there, like us on Facebook, and share us with your friends. It would mean the world to us! THANK YOU!

I am stepping up. Past the doubts, the fears, and the what if's. Past the worries of not being good enough or being rejected. Past the stress of failure and disappointment.

I'm getting back to real life after living in the new mom blissful/exhausted bubble. And I'm stepping up and going after things I really want. It's terrifying and exhilarating at the same time. Twice this week I stepped outside of my box, my comfort zone. The first was to apply to be a website administrator for a movement that I truly, deeply believe in. The second was to apply as a contributing writer to a blog that I adore. I've heard back (and got the position!) from the first and I just applied for the second yesterday (fingers crossed!). It's amazing to find opportunities that make my heart so happy.

Since giving birth to my darling Ever I've been trying to figure out how it all fits back together. She is the center of everything and I want her to have a mother who she looks up to. A mother who isn't afraid to tell life "I want this" and then go for it. A mother  who sometimes fails but learns from it and does better next time. A mother who chases her dreams. I desperately want my daughter to have that kind of mother. So I have to be that woman.

I have to look for and GRAB new opportunities. Rarely do they come looking for me. I have to know what I want from my life and go out and get it. I hope to teach my sweet Ever that she can do anything with hard work, determination, and belief in herself. And I suppose the best way to teach that is by example.

My mom and I watched the finale of The Office today (so good by the way!) and something Pam said really struck me. She said "I took so long to do so many important things." I don't want to look back on my life and feel that way. I don't want to wish I'd started something a year ago. I don't want to regret not taking an opportunity just because I was nervous or I thought maybe it wouldn't work out right.

I'm doing this now. I'm diving in head first. I'm chasing after what I want and I'm becoming the mother and woman I truly want to be. For me and for her. It's time to seize the day!