My two ladies, just an hour or two after they were born. Up top is Everly Eden, below is Iris Haven Nicole. I've spent a lot of minutes staring at these photos side by side, comparing their precious, perfect features. Finding their similarities and their differences. These to photos bring back so many memories for me. I love watching them grow, but these first moments were where it all began. What a beautiful journey.

xo Sue

DON'T.

Amazing photos taken by my sister Cori.

I've been struggling with my changing body through this pregnancy.

These photos were exactly what I needed.

I'm obsessed.

xo Sue

26 weeks 2012/2015

As my second trimester of this pregnancy is coming to a close it's made me reflect a lot on my pregnancy with Everly. They've been so similar and yet so different. I've had hyperemesis with both which has made pregnancy pretty miserable for me. I've had extreme weight loss, food aversions, and so much emotional stress. But I've also had this beautiful gift of being able to grow my sweet babies inside my body. Every time I feel this little one move inside me I'm reminded of how amazing that is!

One of the biggest differences (duh) is that this time around I have a toddler. She is the most spunky, amazing toddler I know! But that spunk sure is exhausting to chase around when you're pregnant. Everly has become very independent and I love that. She knows what she wants and she goes for it, even at 2 years old! I'm learning to really appreciate how much she can do herself and I also treasure the moments when she looks to mama for help. It's a long way off before she doesn't need me constantly but I'm already sad thinking of that day. The other big difference is I'm working a LOT through this pregnancy. From doula work to teaching Sacred Pregnancy classes to assisting at live retreats to planning my own live retreat to several hours a day working online for the Sacred Living Movement, I am constantly going! I don't honestly know how I've done it, except I must be magic.

Working through this pregnancy and having a toddler has made it pretty much fly by. And now here I am... on the cusp of the third trimester, and not really sure where the time has gone.

So as I move into this final beautiful time of my life I'm bringing a lot of love and intention to my pregnancy. I don't ever plan to do this again and because these are the last three months of my life that I'll ever be pregnant I really want to savor them. I want to cherish them, enjoy them, maybe grump about them a little (because I'm human!), and mostly I want to treasure the feeling of this baby moving from the inside. I'm the only person who ever gets to feel this sweet child in that way. I'm going to be selfish and love the last few months that this baby belongs only to me.

I'm also bringing a special attention to Everly for the next few months. These are the last months that she'll be an only child. My only child. I know that I will love this second baby just as much as my first, but there will always be something special about Everly. She was my first, after all.

xo Sue

I want to tell you a story.

When I was pregnant with Everly it was the most intense experience of my life. I had HG throughout the pregnancy and struggled daily with the smallest tasks. I lost 40 lbs and worried every second that I was going to fail at my job of protecting my precious baby until she was ready to come earth side. I broke down more than once with cries that I couldn’t do it and I didn’t know how to get through. It was painful and heartbreaking but as always I looked for the silver lining in my life. I am a girl who loves her silver linings.

Even though I was confined to the couch for most of my pregnancy it meant one thing: I could stare at my belly for hours and watch her little kicks. About halfway through my pregnancy and watching my little lady wiggle I started to track her across my belly and I realized that she was breech. It wasn’t anything to be concerned with so early but as the weeks passed us by she stayed put. I started to feel nervous about her position because we were living in Japan on a small military base with a very small hospital as our only option for a birth place. This hospital wouldn’t facilitate a breech birth and we weren’t allowed a home birth because of far too many rules and regulations. A forced cesarean birth was quickly becoming my only option.

From the day, even the moment that I found out I was pregnant I dreamed of my beautiful birth to come. I knew instinctually that a medicated birth was not for us and I was preparing myself for an unmedicated vaginal birth. The news from my care providers that I wouldn’t be “allowed” to have what I wanted was devastating. I tried everything I could think of to coerce my baby into turning head down. Every position, every trick, everything I could find. Nothing worked. Throughout my pregnancy, especially the last few months, I spent time each day meditating with my daughter. I told her my hopes, my dreams, my wishes. I told her how excited I was for labor and how much I looked forward to holding her in my arms. I connected deeply to her. I told her how much I love her. And I told her she HAD to flip over.

During our 37th week my husband and I decided that we were going to have a version scheduled to see if the doctors could help manipulate our daughter into the correct position. It’s a painful procedure for women which can cause fetal distress and sometimes even trigger labor. I knew the risks but I wasn’t willing to give up and schedule a cesarean unless I’d exhausted every possibility.

I have never felt so completely powerless.

The day before the procedure (38 weeks along) I gave up. I gave in to the powerless feeling I’d been drowning in and completely and totally gave up. I cried and cried and cried. And then I had a meditation with my daughter. I connected on our spiritual level and I told her that the next morning we were going to have our last ditch attempt at getting her into the correct position for birth. And then I told her what she needed to hear.

I told my unborn child that it was completely up to her. If she wanted to be born through a cesarean birth I would happily do it for her. I would stop fighting and embrace the birth for the beauty it would offer and the child it would bring me. And if she wanted to have the natural birth experience we’d been preparing for together then she needed to flip over and tell me she was ready. I gave up any illusion of control over the situation and I surrendered.

That night was incredibly painful. She wiggled and kicked and moved more than she ever had before. The next morning I knew. I KNEW she had turned over. It didn’t take an ultrasound or a doctor informing me. I felt her body position inside me and I knew. We went to our scheduled appointment and I told them she’d turned in the night. They didn’t trust my word for it but their ultrasound machine proved me right. She had turned and we were ready.

This experience prepared me for motherhood in a way nothing else could. It showed me that I would not be able to control most of the things that came my way but if I surrendered to the beauty of my life I would be able to enjoy and cherish it always.

Three weeks (to the day) after our daughter turned head down she joined us earth side. Her birth was beautiful, the experience was remarkable, and it gave me so much confidence in myself and my daughter. But our meditation and my surrender to her and our future was where our bond was truly forged. When she was placed in my arms by my amazing husband I looked deep into her eyes and said “I know you. My sweet Everly, I know you.”

xo Sue

Everly is going to be a big sister! If you follow along through social media this isn't really news to you. And if you've noticed my absence from blogging you probably guessed before I even announced. Aaron and I are thrilled to be expecting our second child. Everly is excited, though she doesn't completely understand. She thinks the baby is in her belly, just like mama. It's adorable.

I'm about 12 weeks along now and it's been a hard one. I had hyperemesis with Everly and it's reared it's ugly head again. If you've never had it... there's just no way to explain. I've lost quite a bit of weight along the way but I'm surviving. Everly and I weaned her from nursing last week. It was heartbreaking because I wasn't ready and I'm not sure she was either. I had to think of my health and the health of this new baby and though I wasn't ready, I know it was best. Everly's taken it all in stride though. She really is the sweetest, happiest, brightest little lady I know. I can't call her a baby!

We are SO excited for this new little soul to be added to our family. 

It's been strange the last 6 months to not do updates about E. She is growing and changing every day and yet after the first year it seemed... strange. I don't know why. She's 18 months now and for those not counting, that means she's lived outside my belly for TWICE as long as she lived in it. She is truly the most amazing little girl. She loves to play, she has a wild heart, and she's fiercely independent. She loves to do things on her own. 

Over the past week she's started stringing words together. They're not quite sentences but they're something. She says 2-3 words together to really get her point across. And sometimes she says a word that I wonder how she even knows it! Beyond saying real words, she loves to talk and talk in her own language and loves when I respond. She tells the best stories. 

Everly loves to dance! If music comes on she instantly begins wiggling her little body along with it. She can't seem to help herself. She climbs on everything and always has a scrape or a bump somewhere on her body. She doesn't slow down. It's so much fun to watch her develop and explore the world around her. Some days it's exhausting to have such a high energy child but really, I wouldn't have it any other way. This is who she is. 

When I was pregnant the idea of breastfeeding was SO strange to me. The world tells me that my breasts are sexual objects and they should stay that way. Intentional or not, that's the message that young girls receive. Still, I knew all the amazing benefits that accompany breastfeeding, how good it is for your baby, and the cost comparison pretty much had me sold. I knew that I was going to attempt to form a breastfeeding relationship with my daughter. 

We were lucky. She had a great latch even in the beginning and although it took weeks for my nipples to become desensitized and callused enough to nurse without pain, Everly did amazing. As I watched my body nourish my baby I was in awe. What an amazing gift that women have to be able to feed their children with their bodies. Everly was even nursed once by a good friend when I couldn't be there to do it for her. Everly continued to grow and soon I had a fat little baby that loved her mama milk and nursing. 

At about 6 months I started to get that question. You know the one, "When are you going to stop breastfeeding her?" It bothered me. Why were people expecting me to stop feeding my child? Why did they think this beautiful relationship needed to end? I was committed to making it past 12 months. One full year of mama milk. But I was also committed to breastfeeding my daughter as long as she thought we should. That became my answer. When she tells me she's ready to stop. I don't care if you breast or bottle feed your baby. I don't care if you use a cover when breastfeeding or if you do it out in the open. I do care that you feed your child and I trust each mother out there to make the best decision for herself and her baby. I do care that mom and baby are both comfortable when baby is eating. I do care that women's rights aren't violated (which happens far too often).

The reason I like to share pictures occasionally... well there are a few reasons. The first is, my breasts are not sexual objects. They were MADE to feed Everly. That is literally their purpose. They were made for her and I am proud that I'm able to use them that way. I also share pictures so other women know that it's okay to be a little more open about breastfeeding. It's a perfectly natural, normal thing. Every time I breastfeed in public I get a few strange looks. That doesn't stop me. I will always put my daughters needs first and if she needs to eat I feed her. I share pictures because I'm proud of us. Really, I'm proud of Everly. She does all the hard work and she grows beautifully because of it. But mostly I share pictures because breastfeeding is amazing. 

I treasure my breastfeeding relationship with Everly. It has been nothing but magical. I've had some aches, some pains, some sleepless nights because my sick baby only wanted to breastfeed. There are times I realize life would be so much easier if she wasn't quite so dependent on me. And yet we've found a way to always make it work. We've found a way to keep going. I hope she wants to breastfeed for many months to come but I also know that when she decides she's done it will be okay. It will be gone before I'm ready and I know I'll miss it when she's finished. Until then I'm going to soak up every lovely moment of this part of our lives. 

xo Sue

PS. Read more thoughts on breast & bottle feeding babies.

I realize this event has passed us by, but these photos are to good not to share. Everly looked so sweet in her bikini (the neighbor girls called it a "kini"). It was just Everly and I for the fourth. We went swimming with our neighbors and had a little barbecue. We played outside a lot and Everly showed off her impressive skills of learning to climb through the dog door. It was a lovely day.

xo Sue

Isn't she gorgeous? I cannot believe my Everly is 15 months old already. I sort of miss doing her monthly updates because she changes constantly and those were fun to look back on. She's saying SO many words now but my favorites are "love you" and "thank you." If I hand her something, anything, she says thank you. It is the sweetest thing. And if I say love you she'll smile big and say it back. When she decides she's hungry she'll walk up to me, try to lift up my shirt, and shout "Nurse!" It always makes me laugh. I tried to teach her to ask sweetly but the girl knows what she wants. Food, mama, food! This little dress was a thrift store hand-me-down and it's my favorite one she owns. Sometimes the best treasures come from unexpected places! I love you, little E.

xo Sue

In April my intention was to SLOW DOWN. And while I feel like I did that to an extent... I think May has been the month that I've really come through for myself. It's been unintentional but my body let me know that it was time to take an out breath. It started with a migraine. They're icky but they always pass so they don't get me down too far. After that I scaled back a little bit but I got another one. Okay body, I get it, you want a break. And so I've made a conscious effort to work when it's time to work and put it down when it's time to play. I'm not perfect... and my phone has email so you know... but I've been trying a lot harder and that's what makes the difference.

Everly and I had my sister Cori take some pics for us yesterday. I'm in love. My lady, she's just perfect. And I made the giant flower crown on my head. I want to offer them in my shop but I almost feel like they're too special to do that. I make them for myself, my friends, my family, and my pregnant mamas that I work with. I make them because they make my soul happy. Tomorrow I'll share more pics. For today it's just a glimpse! 

xo Sue

Yesterday was my second Mother's Day. Aaron said for Mother's Day he'd "give me a break" and take Everly to play on his own. I said a big no thank you to that. She's the one who made me a mama! I wanted to celebrate being a mom with my daughter. Now that I'm a mom I appreciate my own mom in a way I never could before. It's a hard job! But it's so rewarding. Everly is my favorite person. She's so smart and spunky and fun to be around. She's got a huge personality that bursts out touching everyone who knows her. To know her is to love her. I feel so lucky that she chose me to guide her through this life. Every single day is beautiful and difficult and emotional and hectic and fun. No matter what we're doing we always enjoy each other's company and I absolutely love being her whole world. I love this little lady more than words can express. She is my light.

xo Sue

This last week Aaron's dad has been here visiting us and it's been so much fun. We went to Comic Con, the park, the toy store, too many yummy restaurants, and had an Easter egg hunt. It was such a fun time. At first Everly wasn't too sure of her Grampy. She loves to wave to him through Skype but seeing him in person was a different story. The first day she was wary but by the last day she was reaching out for him to pick her up and blowing him kisses every few minutes. She even gave him a great big kiss before he got on the plane. It was so sweet! 

One of the funnest things for me was having someone else behind the camera for once. Usually it's me and I'm never in our pictures but Grampy picked up a disposable camera and followed us around with it. I love disposable camera pics. They're a little bit grainy and remind me of pictures taken 30 years ago. The pics at Comic Con didn't turn out because of the overhead florescent lights. Yikes! But they're not perfect and that's what I love about them! Plus there was the added delight of going to drop off the film and picking it up. I haven't done that in years. I'm so used to instant pics and seeing them immediately. I think I'm going to make it a goal to take more pics with disposable cameras because these are too precious.