I want to tell you a story.

When I was pregnant with Everly it was the most intense experience of my life. I had HG throughout the pregnancy and struggled daily with the smallest tasks. I lost 40 lbs and worried every second that I was going to fail at my job of protecting my precious baby until she was ready to come earth side. I broke down more than once with cries that I couldn’t do it and I didn’t know how to get through. It was painful and heartbreaking but as always I looked for the silver lining in my life. I am a girl who loves her silver linings.

Even though I was confined to the couch for most of my pregnancy it meant one thing: I could stare at my belly for hours and watch her little kicks. About halfway through my pregnancy and watching my little lady wiggle I started to track her across my belly and I realized that she was breech. It wasn’t anything to be concerned with so early but as the weeks passed us by she stayed put. I started to feel nervous about her position because we were living in Japan on a small military base with a very small hospital as our only option for a birth place. This hospital wouldn’t facilitate a breech birth and we weren’t allowed a home birth because of far too many rules and regulations. A forced cesarean birth was quickly becoming my only option.

From the day, even the moment that I found out I was pregnant I dreamed of my beautiful birth to come. I knew instinctually that a medicated birth was not for us and I was preparing myself for an unmedicated vaginal birth. The news from my care providers that I wouldn’t be “allowed” to have what I wanted was devastating. I tried everything I could think of to coerce my baby into turning head down. Every position, every trick, everything I could find. Nothing worked. Throughout my pregnancy, especially the last few months, I spent time each day meditating with my daughter. I told her my hopes, my dreams, my wishes. I told her how excited I was for labor and how much I looked forward to holding her in my arms. I connected deeply to her. I told her how much I love her. And I told her she HAD to flip over.

During our 37th week my husband and I decided that we were going to have a version scheduled to see if the doctors could help manipulate our daughter into the correct position. It’s a painful procedure for women which can cause fetal distress and sometimes even trigger labor. I knew the risks but I wasn’t willing to give up and schedule a cesarean unless I’d exhausted every possibility.

I have never felt so completely powerless.

The day before the procedure (38 weeks along) I gave up. I gave in to the powerless feeling I’d been drowning in and completely and totally gave up. I cried and cried and cried. And then I had a meditation with my daughter. I connected on our spiritual level and I told her that the next morning we were going to have our last ditch attempt at getting her into the correct position for birth. And then I told her what she needed to hear.

I told my unborn child that it was completely up to her. If she wanted to be born through a cesarean birth I would happily do it for her. I would stop fighting and embrace the birth for the beauty it would offer and the child it would bring me. And if she wanted to have the natural birth experience we’d been preparing for together then she needed to flip over and tell me she was ready. I gave up any illusion of control over the situation and I surrendered.

That night was incredibly painful. She wiggled and kicked and moved more than she ever had before. The next morning I knew. I KNEW she had turned over. It didn’t take an ultrasound or a doctor informing me. I felt her body position inside me and I knew. We went to our scheduled appointment and I told them she’d turned in the night. They didn’t trust my word for it but their ultrasound machine proved me right. She had turned and we were ready.

This experience prepared me for motherhood in a way nothing else could. It showed me that I would not be able to control most of the things that came my way but if I surrendered to the beauty of my life I would be able to enjoy and cherish it always.

Three weeks (to the day) after our daughter turned head down she joined us earth side. Her birth was beautiful, the experience was remarkable, and it gave me so much confidence in myself and my daughter. But our meditation and my surrender to her and our future was where our bond was truly forged. When she was placed in my arms by my amazing husband I looked deep into her eyes and said “I know you. My sweet Everly, I know you.”

xo Sue

Did you see it?
Did you see the Magic Moon?
It was breathtaking.

xo Sue

(image source)

It's actually been about 10 days since I saw this post at Delightfully Tacky (one of my very favorite blogs) but it's stuck in my head and I want to write a response to it.

I feel that most of the time I'm pretty good at achieving my goals, or as I refer to them intentions. I try to follow my dreams. But I didn't always do that. The follow through part has been difficult in the past (and sometimes still is). The thing that really changed for me is having a baby. I talk about this a lot, but having a baby changed me in so many ways. I realized I wanted to be better because she deserves better. She deserves a mama who loves herself, takes care of herself, and follows her dreams. She deserves to have a happy, loving mom. 

So to the question at hand... I think the biggest thing that keeps me from achieving my goals is a fear of failure. And it keeps me from setting some goals in the first place. That age old question "What would you do if you knew you would not fail?" sometimes haunts me. I have big, grand plans but I worry that others won't love them as much as I do. I worry that people won't understand and I'll realize I'm living in my own little world. I worry that no matter how hard I work or how much I put myself out there I won't see the result come back to me. I worry that I'll have a lack of abundance. And now with a daughter and a family to think of, it's a little more scary to take a big risk because I'm not the only one affected by it.

Starting my new website was a huge leap for me. I've thought of myself as a healer for a while now but I don't really say it out loud. Does it sound corny? Will people grill me on what that means? Will they judge me when I don't answer the way they want? Will they reject me because they think I'm a little bit crazy? It's tough to put myself out there in the way my heart tells me to. This is not the age of healers, this is the age of pretty clothes and fancy shoes and posting your best pictures on Instagram (guilty). And I love all of those things. But I love wholeness and healing and healthy living. I love good body image and really, I love myself. I love who I am and I'm trying so hard to let the world see the real me.

I'm taking a really amazing course right now through the Sacred Living Movement called I AM Sisterhood and one of the things we've discussed is what we would do if we knew we would not fail. This was mine.

If I knew I would not fail I would open a studio and it would have everything I love. I would teach yoga, Sacred Pregnancy, Beginnings, hold sisterhood circles, and dance lessons. I would practice healing modalities at my studio. I would have books and tea and treats. There would be cozy chairs and pillows and blankets. We would have an art studio where my husband could draw and my daughter could go a little crazy. There would be educational toys for kids and a whole space for my daughter to call her own. There would be massage and a space to meet with doula clients. It would be a place for healing, for learning, for love. Now that I have this space in mind I can envision it all and I'm going to make it a reality one day. I've started to draw up some rough sketches and a small business plan. It's in the very beginning stages of growing but I know that this is where I will end up and I am really looking forward to it. It may be slow, but nothing will keep me from achieving this goal. 

xo Sue

My sweet little blog has sat dormant for a week. And what a crazy week it has been. I've been SO busy that I haven't had five minutes to sit down and write. But I haven't been worried about it and that's a great feeling. I write when I want to. Hooray! 

Everly has been surprising me almost daily with the words she's *trying* to say. She's said Daddy for a while now (I'm not jealous or anything...) but now she's adding others into the mix. She likes to pick up her toys (any toy, she's not picky), put them to her ear, and say Hi. Then she repeats about six times until I say hi back. Then she grins at her communication skills. Hi is all she really needs, isn't it? She also spent an hour one day saying Chocolate and now refuses to say it for anyone but me. I think Aaron thinks I'm making it up but I'm not! She says Papa for grandpa and actually says Muah every time she gives a kiss. She (sometimes) says Up when she wants to be held but just as often uses whining to accomplish the same thing. At least three times a day I'll say a word and she'll try to mimic it. It's so fun to watch her try new words out on her tongue. She rolls them around and plays with them. She also babbles almost non-stop. Lizzie seems to understand her but the rest of us are left clueless. I like to talk to her all the time, narrating what I'm doing and asking her questions. One day Everly is going to understand me and I won't even realize it right away because I've been talking to her all along. I'm looking forward to that day. I think it will be a fun one.

As for me, I've been BUSY. Besides chasing after a sweet little lady 24/7 (yes, sometimes in her sleep- she moves a lot!) I've been expanding my business and enriching my life in so many ways. Everly and I went to California for a week so I could be at a Sacred Pregnancy Retreat. It was magic in a way that I cannot describe. It was such a beautiful experience and I am forever changed by it! The best part is now I'm certified to teach Sacred Pregnancy classes myself. I cannot wait for my first one. I also spent three days last week at a doula conference. It is so fun to connect and visit with other local doulas. It's such a unique profession (I support women while they push babies out of their bodies, what do you do?) that most people don't understand my absolute love for all things pregnancy, birth, and babies. Every time I'm surrounded by other birth lovers I feel my soul revitalized. I'm currently running three online courses (and they're intense!) for Sacred Pregnancy. I love running the courses and meeting all the women who love SP so much. It's a privilege and a blessing to work with this amazing group. And last (but def not least!) I met with three new clients this week (!!!) and had a great time with all of them.

That old saying, "Do what you love and you'll never work a day in your life," it's SO true. I am constantly busy, playing with my growing lady, building the next site, updating the next class, attending the next birth, and I enjoy every moment. 

I love doing what I love. 

xo Sue

Do you ever have those moments that make you stop and say WOW and suddenly you see things in a completely different way? Occasionally Life does that to me. Frequently Everly does that to me.

A few weeks ago my mom pointed something out to me and I have not been able to stop thinking about it. Everly learned to walk at a very young age (just 8 1/2 months). Because of this she didn't really have the muscle control or coordination an older baby would have and as a result she fell down A LOT. Over and over and over she'd fall on her bum and over and over and over she'd stand right back up and keep going. My mom said to me one day, if we followed her example and stood back up every single time we failed at something we'd always find a way to succeed. My mind was blown. I watched her the entire rest of the day as she walked around in her determined little way. She doesn't fall down much anymore, but when she does she gets right back up and keeps going. How many of us can say that? She is so resilient. She is so smart and curious and determined. Nothing will keep her from getting into the dog food or the trash can. Nothing will keep her from the top of that slide. Nothing will keep her from doing exactly as she pleases. I am so proud of this little lady.

Thank you for teaching your mama about life. May you always be fearless, sweet baby.

xo Sue

Ask yourself this. What's your least favorite thing about yourself? Now lets change that. Lets change the way we see ourselves. When we look in the mirror lets not see the thin tired mouth, the dark circles under our eyes, or the fly-aways sticking out of our hair. Lets instead see the smile on the lips, the brightness of the eyes, or the curls (or straightness) of the pretty hair we have. Lets take the negatives and make them positives.

I have this idea for people to share their stories. Everyone has a story, right? I know I do. And maybe it's not the most fascinating story that's ever been told, but it's my story. And that matters. We all want to share our stories, to be heard. We talk about ourselves, every one of us. Especially bloggers! We write entire pages on the internet dedicated to ourselves. We like to share our stories because we want to be heard. We want to know that the things we value are important and we are not alone.

Lets start now, and make it a 2014 personal intention. Lets talk about body image and self love. Lets talk about the things that are good and the things that are bad. Lets talk about the beauty of motherhood- and how damn hard it is. No one told me it would be this hard. No one told me it would be this wonderful. Lets talk about the beauty and the hardships of just being a woman. Lets talk about it. 

Lets talk about the fact that while I was pregnant I had more than one person accuse me of having an eating disorder and hurting my baby. I didn't. I had a very dangerous and scary disease called Hyperemesis Gravidarum that caused me to be hospitalized three separate times, triggered pre-term labor, and made me so sick I couldn't move for days. I cried myself to sleep repeatedly because I was terrified that something bad was going to happen to Everly because of this disease my body was fighting.

Lets talk about the fact that childbirth was the most painful, beautiful, intense, emotional, difficult, spiritual, amazing thing I've ever experienced. And when it was over the realness of life began. I had the most perfect daughter who depended on me entirely. She loved me and I loved her from the moment she was born and that love has only intensified with every passing day.

Lets talk about the fact that daily I question my abilities as a mother. I often look at Everly and think to myself that I am not worthy of her. She is superior in every way. She is smart and curious and beautiful and I will fight for her every single day of my life just so she can know happiness. My life is better with Everly in it. I am so lucky she is mine. She teaches and tests me every single day.

Lets talk about the fact that because of my HG I didn't gain any weight during pregnancy, but in fact lost 20 pounds. But now that I'm healthy again my stomach has gone down but it's not where I want it to be. My stomach is my least favorite part of my body. I do crunches, sit-ups, and other exercises and still my stomach is not flat. WHY? I'm learning to accept it, to love it even. I love my stomach. I carried my daughter there for 9 months and even without weight gain it stretched out and changed. And that's okay.

Lets talk about the fact that I love my face. I know, that sounded pretty vain right there, but part of this experience is talking about the good things too. It's okay to say that I love my face. It's not perfect, but it's mine and I really think it's a good one. I like the imperfections too. I honestly do.

This is a small part of my story. I want to share more. I will share more when the time is right. I'm starting this now, The Discover Yourself Project. If you want to share your story I would LOVE to hear it. You can send any and all submissions to thediscoveryourselfproject@gmail.com or if you'd like to share your story anonymously just go to this form and tell me all about yourself and your life.

xo Sue

As of right now, stories sent to us will be shared through As It Seems and The Discover Yourself Project. If we start to get a lot of stories (and hopefully we will!) they'll mostly be shared through The Discover Yourself Project. Please take a few minutes to visit us there, like us on Facebook, and share us with your friends. It would mean the world to us! THANK YOU!

I'm taking another break from blogtember. It's been so much fun to this point but I would be ungrateful if I didn't pause today and remember. Thirteen years ago today. We all know what happened. A national tragedy, a terrorist attack, an unthinkable act. Did your world stop turning? I remember the feeling so well. The feeling that nothing was ever going to be the same. And I was right.

My husband enlisted in the Air Force three years later (as soon as he was old enough) and he sites the 9/11 attacks as the fuel for his fire. Before he'd wanted to enlist and serve his country. After he was even more determined. He was inspired to join a cause, to fight for something, to make a difference.

The world we live in, a world at war, is a scary one. The world Everly is growing up in is very different than the one I grew up in. But it's because of brave men and women, the everyday heroes, that we can carry on without fear. The way to let them win is to stop fighting. And we will never do that.

We will always remember. We will always fight on.

I am stepping up. Past the doubts, the fears, and the what if's. Past the worries of not being good enough or being rejected. Past the stress of failure and disappointment.

I'm getting back to real life after living in the new mom blissful/exhausted bubble. And I'm stepping up and going after things I really want. It's terrifying and exhilarating at the same time. Twice this week I stepped outside of my box, my comfort zone. The first was to apply to be a website administrator for a movement that I truly, deeply believe in. The second was to apply as a contributing writer to a blog that I adore. I've heard back (and got the position!) from the first and I just applied for the second yesterday (fingers crossed!). It's amazing to find opportunities that make my heart so happy.

Since giving birth to my darling Ever I've been trying to figure out how it all fits back together. She is the center of everything and I want her to have a mother who she looks up to. A mother who isn't afraid to tell life "I want this" and then go for it. A mother  who sometimes fails but learns from it and does better next time. A mother who chases her dreams. I desperately want my daughter to have that kind of mother. So I have to be that woman.

I have to look for and GRAB new opportunities. Rarely do they come looking for me. I have to know what I want from my life and go out and get it. I hope to teach my sweet Ever that she can do anything with hard work, determination, and belief in herself. And I suppose the best way to teach that is by example.

My mom and I watched the finale of The Office today (so good by the way!) and something Pam said really struck me. She said "I took so long to do so many important things." I don't want to look back on my life and feel that way. I don't want to wish I'd started something a year ago. I don't want to regret not taking an opportunity just because I was nervous or I thought maybe it wouldn't work out right.

I'm doing this now. I'm diving in head first. I'm chasing after what I want and I'm becoming the mother and woman I truly want to be. For me and for her. It's time to seize the day!

This is my second favorite TED talk (after 30 is not the new 20), The Power of Vulnerability. Brené Brown is inspiring. She calls herself a researcher story teller. I absolutely love that title.

I always have a part of these talks that speaks to me. This is it: We pretend like what we're doing doesn't have a huge impact on other people. We just need you to be authentic and real. To let ourselves be seen. Deeply seen. Vulnerably seen. To love with our whole hearts even though there's no guarantee. To practice gratitude and joy in those moments of kind of terror when we're wondering can I love you this much? Can I believe in this this passionately? Can I be this fierce about this? To say I feel so grateful. Because to feel this vulnerable means I'm alive. And to believe that we're enough. 

Be you. Be authentic. Be real. You are enough.

xo Sue

When I read through the list of 31 writing prompts I had different reactions. Some looked easy, some intense, some difficult, and some fun. But this is the one I've been looking forward to the most. Share something you've read online & discuss. And it just so happens I've been wanting to share this talk on the blog anyway.

Have you ever heard of TED talks? TED's slogan is ideas worth spreading. There are thousands of talks from amazing people that will literally inspire you to change your life. Instead of browsing YouTube videos try browsing TED talks! 

This talk by Meg Jay, why 30 is not the new 20, is my favorite TED talk I've ever watched. With the transitions Aaron and I are going through right now he watched it with me and we both loved it. She talks about how your 20's are your defining decade. This is the time to take a chance, make a move, and do something meaningful. Don't waste your 20's. You don't have to have your dream job when you're 21, but you should look for a job to help you get that dream job in the future. Make friends for life, date people on purpose. You may not marry the boy you're dating now but eventually you'll marry someone you're dating. Be intentional with your love and with your life. My favorite line from the talk (although really, you should listen to the whole thing!) is this: 30 is not the new 20. So claim your adulthood, get some identity capital, use your weak ties, pick your family. Don't be defined by what you didn't know or didn't do. You're deciding your life right now.

xo Sue

Today is one of those days that I really want to write something but I'm not sure what exactly. I guess we'll just see what comes spewing out of my fingers. I've begun writing with pen and paper more lately and I find I think more fluidly when I focus my attentions that way. There's something so magical about a pen and paper. It's always represented endless possibilities to me. You can turn it into anything. A notebook can hold your hopes, dreams, secrets, and stories. I collect them and fill then with whatever I deem worthy of a notebook. Not everything makes that cut.

My favorite notebook right now is my inspiration journal. It's a small, leather-bound book with hundreds of empty pages that are slowly being filled. When I find something that inspires me I add it there. When I'm looking for inspiration I read through my notebook. Sometimes I laugh at the things I've written in the past. As it turns out I'm not always a genius! Who knew. I've discovered though, you have to have non-genius ideas to get them out of your system so you can move on to the fantastic, amazing, beautiful ideas that you have trapped inside your soul. There is so much potential deep within. Don't judge too harshly, this is the beginning of something I've been working on.

To ride on the wings of angels
would be to taste forever.
Imagine forever-
the vast emptiness waiting to be filled.

I feel very exposed after writing that down. Yikes.
Today I find myself inspired by this song.

Where do you look for inspiration?

PS You can find me here and here today. They're both great reads.

A letter to my eighteen-year-old self. 

And perhaps also my sisters. 

And anyone who wants my twenty-six years of wisdom.

And maybe even a reminder to future me.

Don't be afraid to try new things.

When opportunities come along do not be afraid to grab them. You only live once. And this life is a precious gift. Sometimes new opportunities are scary but they can bring amazing results. Once you let go of the fear you're left with something amazing.

Always follow your instincts.

Call it what you want. A gut feeling. An answer to a prayer. Intuition. It's there. Some of us are more in tune with it, but it's always there. And it is real. If you get a bad feeling about something, listen to it.

You are a beautiful person.

Inside and out. And when you are beautiful on the inside, it reflects on the out. You have a beautiful heart, a beautiful mind, and a beautiful soul. And you should share that with the world, even when you're afraid of judgement.

People matter most of all.

The relationships you have with your family and close friends will sustain you throughout your life. When you need support and someone to lift you up you can always turn to them. And they can turn to you. Relationships are the most precious part of life. 

Always be true to yourself.

Don't do anything because everyone else is doing it. Do something because you love it. Because you're passionate about it. And because you feel it deep in your soul.

Find your passion, and live it.
Life isn't about the destination. It's about the journey. So go out and live your beautiful, passionate life.

My grandma was one of the most amazing women in the world.
And she raised my amazing mother.

I miss her every day.

Today a little more than usual.

I love you so much Grandma.

Always.

When I was 6 years old my Grandma said to me

"Let the world be the world and you be you." 

I have never forgotten this.

I miss you Grandma.

I love you.